As cliche as it is to start a blog with, well it's been quite sometime since the last time I have posted... I think it's fair to begin this one that way.
So here we go, it's been quite sometime since the last time I have posted. More than a year actually. I'm not even sure who this will reach or for that matter, who would want to read it. But as I was sitting in my home office this evening I was thinking about a lot of things and just thought that I would open this up and update the world on what's been going on and get my thoughts out there as this blog has served as my personal journal and diary just as much as it has to keep my family and friends up to date with my life.
Within the last year I have gotten a big girl job (as most of you know), bought a house, decorated that house and made it my home, and have begun the processes of trying to understand what life is all about. Which I have to say is more of a struggle than I ever thought it would be. In high school and college I dreamed of the day I would become "an adult" and I would no longer have to live under someone else's rules and expectations but I have found that those days were much easier. During a work trip several months ago we were given the task of drawing a slip of paper with a question on it out of hat and told to answer the question with a small group of peers that sat around us. "How fun!" I thought, as it would give me the opportunity to get to know the people that work in the same industry and profession as I do and who I only get to see but a few times a year. Little did I know, these questions were much deeper than just getting to know what people liked. For example; "Which is worse, failing or trying, why?" or "When it's all said and done, will you have said more than you've done?" or another one "What is the one thing you would change about yourself, why?" and then mine.... "What life goal would be deeply satisfying if I achieved it, and why?"
I'll repeat it, just as I did several times over as I held this slip of paper in my hand. "What life goal would be deeply satisfying if I achieved it, and why?" I didn't have an answer. For the first time since I can remember I did not have an answer for the question about my future. The last 10 years of my life were always set up in completing the next step. Be president of my 4-H club, make varsity volleyball, be on the state 4-H cabinet, graduate high school, graduate college, get a job. And here I sit. At the end of my list. At the top of my staircase and I don't have a clue what's next. And even at this moment I'm not completely sure. But for the first time since I received that slip of paper back in July, I have an idea. One thing, one step, and it hit me like a ton of bricks after a terribly long, and emotional day. I want to find me.
Who am I? Where do I want to go? What do I want out of life? What do I want to do? What are my expectations? These are all questions that I've had for myself and I think it's finally time I face them. It's been a hard year. Not just with learning a new job, my career. But personally as well. I have lost friends that I thought were family and I lost love that I thought was forever. And I stand here lost, confused, and sad. This is not what I thought I would be feeling at 24. I thought I would have my own family by now, and be on top of the world. So now it's time I answer the question on that slip of paper... "What life goal would be deeply satisfying if I achieved it, and why?" My answer? Finding myself. In a way that when life gets hard it doesn't shake me to my core and on sad days I don't feel lost within myself. I want to know me and be confident in that person. And why? Because I have learned that at the end of the day the only person that will be standing there to make sure you are okay, is you. So why not? Why not take care of me. And just when I thought everything was ending, I found my new beginning.
Let's find me.
With love,
Mel & a sleepy Jax